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                    開出塵埃的花

                    時間:2017-12-04 來源:原創 作者:濁酒清憂 閱讀:9
                      

                      青春是一條靚麗的風景線,它承載著懵懂年紀的所有單純天真,還有善良執著……
                      
                      張楠是我所有朋友中最癡情的一個,高一喜歡的女孩,一直跌打滾爬的追到高三,可是,那又怎樣?喜歡就是喜歡,就算孤城荒島,也要一賭傾城,他說……
                      
                      三年光陰,一千多個日夜,從最初的拒絕到慢慢談心,從慢慢的談心到關系的拉近,從關系的拉近到習慣一個人的好,是張楠多少次傷痛的努力?記得高二的圣誕節,張楠發起了第66次追求,畫面溫馨浪漫,在學校外的奶茶吧里,簡單的小包間,一張玻璃的方桌,幾十根蠟燭圍成的桃心,蠟燭里面擺著蘋果圍成的桃心,兩個桃心外放著女孩最喜歡吃的巧克力蛋糕,也是桃心型的,蛋糕中間刻著女孩的小名“晨曦”,名字下方寫著520,這是張楠早就著手準備好的,時間定格,傍晚六點零六分,晨曦的好友會提前兩分鐘帶著晨曦到場,滴答滴答滴答,手表轉動的節奏像極了張楠的心,看似平靜,卻在每一分每一秒中走的極其忐忑……
                      
                      蠟燭點燃,在六點零二分,張楠望著溫暖的燭光和燭光下的一切,嘴角露出會心一笑,是的,浪漫溫馨的告白,應當算是每個女孩都渴望或者都喜歡的告白方式吧!站在張楠旁邊的我,望著燭火燃燒,仿佛聽見冬天的一場故事,緩緩上演……
                      
                      時間再次定格,六點零四分,女孩的好友帶著她如期而至,她望著張楠,看著包房里的一切,楞了三十秒,張楠望著她,等她回過神來笑著說:“晨曦,六點六分,66次,是以你生日為起點的喜歡,是一年不放棄的喜歡,是我只想對你好的喜歡,晨曦,喜歡沒有理由,沒有界限,喜歡就是喜歡,而我,就是喜歡你,晨曦,做我女朋友吧……”,深情而忘我的告白,使張楠的手情不自禁的放在了晨曦的肩頭,對于晨曦,可以看出的感動,紅的眼,潤的角,只差一個點頭,那一刻,時間是安靜的,我們也是安靜的,她揉揉眼睛,望了望我們和她的朋友,“答應他吧”這是她朋友說出來的話,也是我和另一個同學說出來的話,只是說出來的時候沒有以往告白的起哄,是來自真心發自肺腑希望,只是遺憾,在深情的告白也抵不過內心里別人的存在,她彎下身子,一個九十度的鞠躬,在起身,她說“謝謝你,謝謝你喜歡我那么久,謝謝你給的感動,謝謝你為我做的一切,但我只能說謝謝”然后,轉身離開,不等所有人反應,也不等張楠或者她朋友言語,就毅然的離去,到最后,彼此的無言,只能留下張楠和空蕩蕩的房間,而桌面上的一切,只是痛苦記憶的點……
                      
                      你不走近我的世界,我就走進你的世界,不去言語,只做朋友……
                      
                      那天之后,張楠墮落了些日子,每日以酒解愁,而上學仿佛成了他的副業,作為同學朋友,我們也是極力勸說,什么“天涯何處無芳草,何必單戀一枝花”、什么“相愛不如相知,相知不如相思,相思不如不相識”、什么“人生路上兩不誤,從此相逢是陌路”等等,可誰知?青春的感情就是執著與犯傻,或許,陳奕迅唱的那句歌詞“得不到的永遠在騷動”才是感情的真諦,以至于張楠頹廢過后,換了新的狀態,找到那個女生說“我們從重新認識吧,你好,我叫張楠,你呢?”,然后,便把喜歡放在內心深處,帶上朋友的面具,以朋友的形式走進她的生活,可是,這樣之后,張楠就更不開心了,大概是因為熟悉之后,知道的太多,所以才會更難過……
                      
                      后來的日子里,張楠跟我說,晨曦跟他交心后,張楠才知道,原來張楠告白的第二天晨曦就答應了他的同桌,他說“心里有座城,葬著未亡人,未亡人未死,城池不是城”,我想,那時的張楠一定很痛苦,可還要表現出無所謂的樣子,他接著說,有些時候,晨曦心情不好,總會給他打電話一陣嘮叨,有時還會哭,哭著哭著就無聲的睡著了,而他卻還在電話那頭等待回音,許久之后,張楠才對著電話說聲晚安,有些時候,晨曦無聊了,總想找事情做,男朋友不理他,只能找張楠,張楠了,為了使她不無聊,就收藏很多冷熱笑話,逗她笑,或者故意唱歌跑調讓她糾正,這樣一來一去,也就不無聊……可這樣的日子總該有個頭吧,我問?他說只要她能開心,他就能快樂,其他的都不重要。再往后的日子里,張楠一直如此,陪她說話,和她逛街,聽她失戀,當她垃圾桶,最后,讀懂她,只是,戀人未滿,友情至上。聽到這,我忽然想起電視劇《匆匆那年》里的喬燃,愛著方茴,卻不能說起,懂著方茴,卻不能守護,見到你過得幸福,也就知足……
                      
                      張愛玲說:“別問愛值不值得,因為你知道,愛就是不問值不值得”
                      
                      在諸多言情劇里,都有類似的劇點,只是比較現實,經歷過得人才更刻苦銘心……
                      
                      2014年6月6日,距離高考只有十幾天的時間里,張楠突然跟我說:“木子,我又要告白了”,我望著他,期待他說出的人不是她,可是事實就是,他說“在她分手的時間里,日夜陪伴她的是我,明白她的是我,讀懂她的還是我,無論她心情好或者不好,我都在,而她,也離不開我的存在,因為現在,我一天不跟她說話,她就會生氣,不滿,我想,這就是依賴,我想,這也算走進她內心世界的一種方式,而這次的告白,我想我會成功”,我回他“快高考了,別瞎鬧,好好復習,爭取有個好成績,進入好大學”,他笑著說“沒有瞎鬧,我很認真,不過,我是要等高考完之后才做最后一次告白”,我問他“為什么說是最后一次呢?”,他思忖了下沒有回答,然后轉身走了,我想,那一刻,張楠自己都沒想好是不是最后一次吧。望著張楠離去的背影,忽然間有種酸楚升騰,仿佛我看到了開頭,也猜到了結尾……
                      
                      別把習慣的荷爾蒙充斥著神經,別把習慣的沖動當做愛情……
                      
                      是的,如果有一天,你身邊出現了這樣一個人,不管何時何地,只要你需要了,他都會在,即使相隔千里,他也會回來,那么,你把他(她)當成依賴的習慣早已注定,而恍惚的情感有時也會誤以為……
                      
                      正如張楠所言,高考完之后,一場更精心更浪漫的告白發起了總攻,在市區的KTV里,教室一半大小的包房里,掛滿了66張晨曦的照片,桌面上啤酒與酒杯擺成的桃心,地上五顏六的氣球,還鋪了一張紅毯,然后,在暖色燈光的渲染下,浪漫而不失韻味。那晚,并沒有太過深情的告白,只是張楠抱著一束花說著“開始和最后,我都在,而你卻是我想要的永遠!被蛟S是真的彼此了解,所以能感受到對方的心思,就像這一場看似精心準備的告白,其實是為最初的努力和一直壓抑的情感畫上句點,而我從開始到最后都只是旁觀者……
                      
                      朋友的愛情,就像火車的兩頭,閑暇時合為一體,忙碌時卻朝著各自的方向……
                      
                      那一段日子,兩個人你濃我濃的,甜蜜的要死,殊不知,暗潮洶涌的不是彼此,而是現實……
                      
                      都習慣了校園生活,換做活法是對自己的考驗,所以,他們與我們也紛紛走上了暑假工的道路,只是后來,他們發生了什么,我并不知道,只是張楠跟我說起“他們的愛情,就像火車的兩頭,閑暇時合為一體,忙碌時卻各奔東西……”,再后來,張楠就很少和我說起他們,而我也不會問起……
                      
                      如果你要走,請不要叫醒裝睡的人……
                      
                      2014年的9月,我還未去上大學之前,張楠約我喝過一次酒,也算是餞別,我不知道這意味著什么,但我知道這是一個終點……
                      
                      張楠的愛情,還是走到了終點,那過往的一千多個日夜也就徹底完結,他說:“當你拼命喜歡一個人的時候,你就是成了瘋子,傻子,會把所有的傷害都當成一種考驗,還自我安慰地說,她會是你的”,原來,所有的藕斷絲連真的可以讓丟失的愛情破鏡重圓,原來,她心里一直有個他。張楠告白成功的第三個星期,傷害晨曦的同桌又回來找到晨曦,說了諸多當初傷害她的借口與理由,而那段時間,雖然兩人在同一個地方上班,也同樣的忙碌,但有一方的心已經迷離,開始遠去,我想,那時張楠說的閑暇時合為一體,并不是指他們,而是他們,而忙碌時卻朝著不同方向則指的是她的心……
                      
                      張楠是個聰明人,也了解她,所以她的異常在張楠眼里早就放的無限大,只是他從未說起,還是一樣的對她好,給她做早餐,洗衣服,生病了關心,難過了呵護,或許,正是因為這樣的好,才讓她依依不舍,從六月拖到了七月末,也或許,她是在考驗她的同桌,但不管怎樣,他們還是走到了終點,不說分手,沒有挽留……
                      
                      開始是因為喜歡,后來是因為在一起,最后是因為放不下……
                      
                      又是一個三年,本來早就沒有聯系的張楠忽然找到了我,很詫異,但也沒有過多表現,原以為的陌生,在彼此久違的熟悉間拉近了距離,是的,新三年,舊三年,跌跌撞撞還三年,聊了許多,說了過去,也談了如今,只是時間嚇人,彼此都唏噓不已……可再次提到晨曦,竟未想到,他倆還有聯系,他說“木子,你說的對,愛就是不問值不值得,我有所放棄,也有所執著,我們不在可能,卻彼此相守,彼此幫助,我們都活在彼此的心里”,聽完這一句話,腦袋里忽然想起張愛玲的愛情,她說“見了他,她變得很低很低,低到塵埃里,從塵埃開出花來”,這是張愛玲對胡蘭成的愛,而張楠了,或許也是吧……
                      
                      

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